Jason Tonelli, CEO of Zenith, has had many vulnerable moments in his career but the big one was when his boss walked into the room ranting about losing an account.
Tonelli was speaking at Building Strength by Combating Shame, a session at MFA EX in Sydney, about the stresses of working in the advertising industry.
“I’ve sent emails, meant for one person, to a group of people, said the wrong thing in a pitch many, many, many times and I’ve forgotten to turn on the mute button when I've been at home with my kids running around,” he said.
“But I think one moment that always has stuck with me was something that happened 22 years ago.
“The CEO walked into a room full of colleagues and started to go on a little bit of a rant about wanting a big year but just losing our biggest account.
“He then said, ‘We're gonna have to let some people go’. And in that room filled with all my colleagues, he pointed to six of us.
“Now my memory of that was, was that me or not? I was one of those six but all I could hear was like a Charlie Brown cartoon, What? What? What? What?
“Shame had arrived at that moment. A few things happened. Emotionally, you feel rage, numb, a bit helpless. Physically, you get a bit of heat through the neck, tight in the stomach, you clench your fist, or you might break down into tears.”
Jessica Howse, head of people and culture, Zenith Australia, said the industry needs to ensure that people come first.
“We're starting to recognise that the high stakes, high pressure nature of our work, the pitch losses, the 360s the contract reviews, can profoundly impact our people's well being,” she said.
“For decades, we've recognised that you can sustain a physical injury at work, and we've had legislation in place to support that.
“And now we realize that you can sustain a mental injury as well, and that's why we're having the conversation around psychosocial safety, which recognizes that wellbeing at work relies on a proper consideration of things such … your manager, what work design looks like, what your job description is, ways of working, etc
“Our work is full of moments that are uncomfortable. They spark really tricky emotions within us.
“We have high highs, low lows, and the expectation that we will remain composed and unruffled on the surface of paddling madly underneath, we will all inevitably, in some shape or form, feel this way at work, really uncomfortable.
“Could be the client feedback. It could be feeling overlooked for a promotion. Whatever it is, I'm going to feel embarrassed. I might look angry, frustrated over time. Without intervention, these things can morph into shame.
What is shame? A leading expert in shame, Brené Brown, defines it as an intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging.
“Shame thrives in silence,” said Howse. “It convinces us that we're alone. It whispers to us, you're not enough, and that you don't belong here. And the truth is, shame exists in all of us at different times.
“Not all emotions are shame, right? When I miss a deadline, I might feel frustrated as soon as I start to say to myself though I'm not good enough, that's when shame arrived."
What to do about shame?
Listen to yourself, notice what you're feeling, embarrassed, frustrated, anxiety. Pay attention to how it shows up. That heat rising when you've been giving feedback, the stomach drop when you realise you've misunderstood the brief.
Name the feeling. That reduces the emotions power over you. Find a trusted colleague, your boss, your work bestie, and sit with them, say it out loud: I'm embarrassed because I miss completely missed that deadline because I misread the email.
“Vulnerability shared is vulnerability diminished now,” Howse said.
For media directors, account leads, agency heads, it's about relationships which are built on trust and human connection.
“When someone in your team is struggling or facing a setback, you have a choice. You can reinforce the shame spiral or the shame storm, or you can help them rewrite this into a story of resilience," she said.
“Yes, the most common thing I've seen in my role as a people lead in this industry is leaders looking away in these hard moments, pretending everything's fine, downplaying the impact of something, sometimes offering a sandwich.
“They don't do it for lack of wanting to help. They just don't know where to start or how to start, and very often feel they don't have the capacity to take it on.
“What leaders need to know, though, is empathy isn't soft. It's strategic. It's what allows us to see beyond the surface of the missed deadline or the quiet team school and into the real life of our people in the spirit of being vulnerable.
“One of my toughest moments at work was returning to work full time after the birth of my daughter, a new job, a new boss, a new environment, trying to get runs on the board, managing two crazy kids at home, the mental load.
"I was lucky enough to have a leader who did this, lean in, inquire. Find a connection and time. What is this about? Lean in, notice what is of: 'I've noticed You haven't been yourself lately. I've noticed that you keep bringing up the meeting from last week.
"Don't look away, inquire and be curious. What else is going on for this person at work, at home right now? Is the team resourced properly? Have we really done everything we can to set them up for success? Have they had the right training find a connection with them?"
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