Two Cents: Putting the rant in intolerant

17 May 2012

I would be lying to you if I didn't admit I've been getting a little heavy-handed on the snacks of late. And as what naturally happens, the kilos pile on, and I have to come to terms with the fact that it's now time to deprive myself of everything that makes me happy in this world.

In exploring the tragic halls of wellbeing I seem to have discovered something worth ranting about. I'm going to stop looking at Nike, Apple and Facebook for case studies of marketing greatness and start looking at the gluten-free marketers of the world.

Cue applause, standing ovation, and throw your undies on stage. Gluten marketers, you have managed to convince millions of perfectly healthy people that eating delicious gluten is going to kill you.

Before I go on, to appease the nit-pickers, I understand that 3% of the population legitimately suffers from Celiac’s disease. A further small percentage even have some kind of intolerance. You guys are free to leave peacefully and I apologise for any offence I'm about to cause.

For those who have joined the craze, just to let you know, people have survived millions of years on everything from bark to bones. Hell, Bear Grylls drinks his own urine and is perfectly happy. Yet all of a sudden, it seems like half the population has woken up and decided that they are gluten-intolerant. Well, now I'm intolerant... of you people.

This all started when I overheard this conversation on the way to work yesterday.

Girl 1: “So when did you first realise you were gluten-intolerant?”
Girl 2: “Um it was weird, I feld sick after a pizza I had in the Cross. Plus I heard it’s great for weight loss.”

You are not gluten-intolerant, you are stupid.

Ensuring I delivered a well-balanced and fair article (as always) I did some research. It seems the most common excuse for those using the gluten-free lifestyle is losing weight. Surprise.

Well, here is a short list of foods containing gluten: Biscuits, bread, cake, cereal, chicken nuggets, croissants, cookies, doughnuts, dumplings, tortillas, noodles, burger buns, pancakes, pastas, pastries, pizza and pie.

It’s pretty clear to me that if you were unaware that any of these foods might prevent you from wearing that bikini you love this summer, you may need to join Jonah Takalua in Gumnut Cottage.

So what can we learn from this fad/craze, or should that be crazy fad? Does Miley Cirus, the famed gluten-free advocate, have more influence than our own common sense? We make a living in an industry that profits from this kind of misdiagnosis and our success is measured on how we can effectively change human behaviour.

For me it’s clear, joining a bandwagon dedicated to eating shit food is actually an easier sell than asking someone to make an independent, educated decision on a new toothbrush.

I wonder if I should be comforted or disturbed ...

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